TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place in which American Gentlemen can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It can be that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the project, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a function getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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